Why do I take complaints at work so personally?
You take complaints personally because you're getting hooked into a psychological game — usually without noticing. When someone complains aggressively, they cast themselves as persecutor or victim, and they invite you to play a matching part: defend yourself, grovel, over-apologise, or fire back. Every one of those moves leaves you with a bad feeling, because the game only has losing positions. The fix is recognising the hook the moment it arrives, declining the part, and responding to the person's emotion instead: "It's a real pain when that happens, isn't it."
Most people think taking things personally is a sensitivity problem — that they need thicker skin. That's the wrong diagnosis. The problem isn't your skin. It's the game. Once you can see the game, you can step out of it, and the complaint stops landing on your identity.
The drama triangle
In my book Thriving Under Fire, I explain this using the drama triangle from Transactional Analysis — psychiatrist Eric Berne's model of what happens between people, extended by Stephen Karpman. A "game" is a series of exchanges that ends in a pay-off, and the pay-off is always a bad feeling.
The triangle has three positions:
The persecutor puts people down and belittles them. "You're all the same." "Who do you think you are?" "You're wasting my time." Blaming, judgmental, dominant.
The victim appears helpless and expects criticism or rescue. "It's not my fault." "It's too hard." "Poor me."
The rescuer takes over when they haven't been asked. "You're not coping — let me do it myself." Helpful on the surface. Patronising underneath.
Three things make the triangle dangerous. You can enter at any corner. There's usually an invitation — a persecutor is looking for a victim; a victim attracts a rescuer. And the players keep switching positions, sometimes mid-sentence: "You're a mean, nasty person and you make me feel so bad" is persecutor and victim in one breath.
Watch what happens with an aggressive complaint. The customer opens as persecutor. You slip into victim — apologising, blaming yourself. Then you lurch into rescuer, dropping everything to fix it. A colleague fires back and becomes a persecutor. Everyone finishes the exchange feeling worse. That churning, personal sting you carry afterwards? That's the pay-off. That's what "taking it personally" actually is.
A few phrases tell you the game is on. Rescuers say "Don't feel like that" and "Why don't you..." Victims say "It's not fair" and "Yes, but..." Persecutors say "The trouble with you is..." And watch the sneaky little word "why" — "Why aren't the tables cleaned?" sounds like a question and lands like an accusation.
The way out: the winner's triangle
Each drama position has a healthy counterpart:
Vulnerable replaces victim. You acknowledge you have a problem — and you keep thinking. Your feelings become information about what to change, not proof of helplessness. You can ask for help, and find another way if it's refused.
Caring replaces rescuer. You're genuinely concerned, and you respect the other person's ability to think and solve their own problem. You don't take over. You don't do things you resent. Often, listening is the only caring response needed.
Assertive replaces persecutor. You use your energy to get your needs met and stand up for your rights — with zero interest in punishing anyone on the way.
Self-awareness is the whole entry fee. You know you're in the drama triangle when a conversation doesn't go quite right and you walk away with a bad feeling. That feeling is your cue: which corner was I standing on? Then choose the winner's-triangle version and respond from there — which usually starts with the APE Principle: acknowledge the emotion in front of you instead of the role it's inviting you to play.
FAQ
How do I know if I'm in the drama triangle? By the bad feeling. When a conversation leaves you stewing, deflated, or resentful, a game just ended and you were in it. Trace back which corner you took — defending, grovelling, or taking over.
Is apologising to a customer always playing the victim? No. A clean, sincere apology for what went wrong is professional. It becomes victim behaviour when it turns into self-blame, grovelling, or apologising for things that aren't yours.
What's wrong with rescuing? Isn't helping people good? Helping when asked is caring. Taking over when you haven't been asked — or doing things you resent — is rescuing. The difference is respect for the other person's ability to think and solve their own problem.
How do I respond to someone who's clearly persecuting? Don't take the victim seat and don't grab the persecutor seat back. Acknowledge the emotion, then hold your ground assertively: "You're clearly frustrated about this. Let's look at what we can do." Emotion met, position held, no punishment.
Why does 'Yes, but...' keep coming up in my conversations? "Yes, but" is the classic sound of a game in progress — usually someone deflecting advice they didn't ask for. If you hear it from them, stop advising and start listening. If you hear it from yourself, someone's rescuing or persecuting you.
Can whole teams get stuck in the drama triangle? Easily. One person's habitual corner invites matching corners from everyone else, and the roles harden into culture. It changes when one person — usually the leader — starts declining the game.
Key takeaways
Taking it personally is the pay-off of a psychological game, not a flaw in your skin.
The drama triangle has three losing corners: persecutor, victim, rescuer — and players keep switching.
Listen for the tells: "The trouble with you is...", "It's not fair", "Yes, but...", and the sneaky accusing "why".
The winner's triangle swaps in assertive, vulnerable, and caring — same energy, better positions.
The bad feeling afterwards is your cue. Which corner were you on?
Find where conflict is quietly costing you
If complaints follow you home more than they should, measure the drain. Take the Leadership Energy Audit — fifteen questions, one honest number.
This post links up to the pillar: What is the APE Principle?
John Faisandier is the founder of TUF: Thriving Under Fire and creator of the APE Principle. Since 1999 he has trained thousands of managers and frontline staff across New Zealand and Australia to handle emotionally charged situations at work. He is the author of "Thriving Under Fire: turn difficult customers into business success" and runs the Conflict Free Leadership program for managers.
