What do I say when an employee pushes back or gets defensive?
Acknowledge their emotion before you touch the facts: "You seem really frustrated about this" or "I can see this has caught you off guard." Then get curious instead of talking more: "Help me understand what's been happening from your side" — and stop and listen. If blame comes up, don't argue with it; redirect forward: "Sounds like something broke down somewhere. Here's what I need going forward." Close with one clear request and the relationship: "Going forward, I need you to bring this to me directly. I value working with you."
Most managers misread pushback as a personal attack, so they respond with defence or force — and the wall gets higher. Here is the key insight that changes everything: the difficult person is not against you. They are for themselves. They are protecting something. Read it that way and your whole posture softens without going soft.
Why pushback happens: the APE model
This sits on the APE Principle, the core of the TUF: Thriving Under Fire system I have taught since 1999:
A — Action. Something happened.
P — Perception. They formed a story about it.
E — Emotion. That story created a strong feeling.
By the time the pushback reaches you, you are talking to the Emotion, not the Action. So respond to the emotion first. Always.
Which is your default reaction?
Under pushback, managers default to one of three moves:
Freeze. Go quiet. Avoid the moment. Come back to it never.
Fight. Get firmer. Defend your position. Sometimes escalate.
Appease. Give in to keep the peace. Carry the resentment.
All three are normal. None of them works long-term. Knowing your default is half the battle — it's the move you'll make on autopilot unless you've practised something better.
Five mistakes, five fixes
Mistake: misreading pushback as a personal attack. Fix: use APE — they're protecting themselves, not attacking you.
Mistake: going straight to facts before the emotion settles. Fix: acknowledge the emotion first, every time, without judgement.
Mistake: talking more when you should be asking. Fix: say "Help me understand..." — then stop and listen.
Mistake: arguing with blame and correcting the record. Fix: acknowledge, then redirect forward. No single cause, no single blame.
Mistake: ending vaguely, hoping it resolved itself. Fix: name what you heard, make one request, close with the relationship.
The words that work
Acknowledge emotion: "You seem really frustrated about this." — Drops the temperature. Shows you noticed.
Acknowledge emotion: "I can see this has caught you off guard." — Not agreement. Connection.
Get curious: "Help me understand what's been happening from your side." — Moves them from reacting to talking.
Redirect blame: "Sounds like something broke down somewhere. Here's what I need going forward." — Skips the blame debate. Moves forward.
Close with clarity: "Going forward, I need you to bring this to me directly. I value working with you." — One request. Relationship intact.
Print those five lines. They earn their place on your desk.
FAQ
What if the employee blames a colleague who genuinely was at fault? Still don't hold the blame trial in that moment. "Sounds like something broke down — I'll look into it. Here's what I need from you going forward." Investigate separately, with facts, when heads are cool.
Isn't acknowledging their frustration just rewarding bad behaviour? No. You're acknowledging a feeling, not approving a behaviour. "I can see you're frustrated" and "the deadline stands" live comfortably in the same conversation.
What if they push back on everything, every time? Then the pattern is the conversation. Name it once, kindly and directly: "I've noticed that new decisions usually get a no from you first. Help me understand what's going on." Chronic pushback usually guards something — being blindsided, feeling unheard, fear of failing.
What if I freeze in the moment and only think of the right response later? That's the most common default of all. Rehearse one line until it's automatic: "Help me understand what's been happening from your side." One practised sentence keeps the door open while your thinking catches up.
Should I address defensiveness in front of the team or privately? Respond to the emotion briefly in the moment — that can be public. Take the substance private. Public facts-battles force people to defend their position in front of an audience, and nobody backs down in front of an audience.
What if I've been appeasing this person for months? Start where you are. "I've let some things slide, and that's on me. I want to reset how we work together." Naming your own part first makes the reset a partnership, not a punishment.
Key takeaways
The difficult person is not against you. They are for themselves.
Pushback is APE: an action became a story, and the story became a feeling. Respond to the feeling first.
Know your default — freeze, fight, or appease. None of them works long-term.
"Help me understand..." then stop talking. Curiosity beats explanation.
End with one request and the relationship: "I value working with you."
Find where conflict is quietly costing you
If one person's pushback is taking more of your week than it should, let's look at it together. Book a free 45-minute game plan call — we'll work out what's actually happening and what will shift it.
This post links up to the pillar: How do I stay calm when an employee gets angry at me?
John Faisandier is the founder of TUF: Thriving Under Fire and creator of the APE Principle. Since 1999 he has trained thousands of managers and frontline staff across New Zealand and Australia to handle emotionally charged situations at work. He is the author of "Thriving Under Fire: turn difficult customers into business success" and runs the Conflict Free Leadership program for managers.
