Why do certain customers get under my skin more than others?

Because they remind you of someone. The customers who trigger you out of proportion are usually standing in for a figure from your past — a critical teacher, a harsh parent, a boss who wrote you off — and you're reacting to the old person, not the one in front of you. The fix is a process called cognitive restructuring: name the exact thought ("these people don't like me"), test whether it's valid (it almost never is), trace where it started, choose a replacement thought, and rehearse the new one until it holds. Your thoughts about a type of customer are a choice — most people just never realised they were choosing.

The common misdiagnosis is that the trigger says something about the customer — "that type is just awful." Notice the word type. When a whole category of people rattles you while your colleagues shrug the same people off, the category is coming from your history, not their behaviour.

The trim-milk woman

In my book Thriving Under Fire, a café owner confesses her most difficult customers aren't the shouters. They're older, well-dressed, well-spoken women. "They really get under my skin."

Walking the steps with her:

Step 1 — Name the exact thought. "When they come in, I can tell they don't like me. Everything they say seems to be some kind of criticism of me."

Step 2 — Test it. Is that thought valid? No. They can't possibly all be critical of her — most don't even know her. One woman asked "Was that sauce made with butter?" and the owner heard an accusation. The woman was actually impressed she used pure ingredients. The thought fails the test.

Step 3 — Trace where it started. School. A critical headmistress who told her she was wasting her life, would amount to nothing, should be more like her sisters. Decades later, every woman of a similar age walks in wearing that headmistress's face.

Step 4 — Choose replacement thoughts. "They are human beings who want coffee and cake and good service." And about herself: "I am an adult. A café owner. A damned good cook. Sometimes people will criticise me and that's OK. I am still good enough."

Step 5 — Ask the harder question: why hold on to the old thought? Her answer is worth sitting with: keeping those women as the enemy protected her. If she failed, she could say she'd always known it would go that way. Old destructive thoughts usually pay some quiet rent like that — which is why they're hard to evict.

This is the same move that neuro-linguistic programming calls reframing: put a new frame around the picture and you have a new way to see the person. I've walked these steps with librarians facing stressed parents, compliance officers facing pushy developers, bank staff facing irate customers, officials facing upset beneficiaries. The questions are always: What do I imagine is so bad about this client? Who do they remind me of? What's the worst they could actually do to me? And are those thoughts valid?

Making it stick: watch your self-talk

One warning and one tool.

The warning: the way you phrase your thoughts is how you talk to yourself, and you act as if it were true. "I must stop thinking this way" and "I shouldn't" are controlling-parent words — you're telling yourself off, which changes nothing. So is "I'm a stupid idiot." Own your feelings instead, even the ones you don't like, and take responsibility without the abuse.

The tool: affirmations — always in the positive. Not "I won't stuff it up" (which just reminds you that you can) but "I am competent in my work." For after an angry customer has gone: acknowledge the truth first — you felt threatened, you were scared, and you're not under threat any more — then: "I am strong and peaceful. Their anger belongs to them. It is not mine." Repeat it, write it, picture it. Affirmations work on the imagination, and the imagination is much more powerful than the will.

One more distinction that matters: this process is not rumination. Chewing the same resentful thought over and over — like a cow chewing cud — never moves anywhere. The steps above end with a changed thought and a changed action. That's the difference.

FAQ

How do I know if it's the customer or my history? Check the spread. If one specific person's behaviour bothers everyone, it's them. If a whole category bothers you while colleagues shrug, your history is in the room.

Do I have to dig up my past to fix this? Only lightly. You're not doing therapy — you're answering one question: who does this type remind me of? Naming the original is usually enough to separate them from the stranger at the counter. For heavier material, a counsellor is a good back-up, and I say that as someone who recommends it in the book.

Do affirmations actually work or is it wishful thinking? They work when they're positive, specific, and repeated — because they act on your imagination rather than your willpower. "I am competent in my work" rehearsed daily beats "don't stuff up" muttered under pressure.

Why do I talk to myself so harshly? You learned it, usually from a harsh voice earlier in life, and it now runs on autopilot. Harsh self-talk is your inner controlling parent — and it produces the same defiance and helplessness in you that it would in anyone else.

Isn't thinking about it a lot the same as working on it? No — that's rumination, and it's the trap. Rumination replays; restructuring tests, replaces, and acts. If your thinking about a person hasn't changed anything in a month, you're chewing, not changing.

What if the new thought doesn't feel true yet? It won't at first — the old one has years of rehearsal behind it. Say the new one anyway, especially in the moments that used to trigger you. Feelings follow rehearsal, not the other way round.

Key takeaways

• Out-of-proportion triggers usually mean the customer is standing in for someone from your past.

• Five steps: name the thought, test it, trace it, replace it, rehearse it.

• Ask the harder question too: what has the old thought been protecting you from?

• "I must" and "I shouldn't" are your inner controlling parent. Affirmations go in the positive.

• Their anger belongs to them. It is not yours.

Find where conflict is quietly costing you

If one type of person is draining more of you than they should, measure the leak. Take the Leadership Energy Audit.

This post links up to the pillar: How do I overcome my fear of conflict as a manager?

John Faisandier is the founder of TUF: Thriving Under Fire and creator of the APE Principle. Since 1999 he has trained thousands of managers and frontline staff across New Zealand and Australia to handle emotionally charged situations at work. He is the author of "Thriving Under Fire: turn difficult customers into business success" and runs the Conflict Free Leadership program for managers.