I'm OK, You're OK
Hello
‘I used to get so upset when customers spoke to me like that?’ Jenny said as we sat drinking our coffee. Kids ran around the family friendly suburban café while their Mums watched and commanded from various tables.
‘I used to try so hard to please people in the hope they would think I was OK. But now I have been thinking of myself and my customers differently. Even now when they get angry I feel a little bit stink, but I quickly remind myself that I am OK. I don’t have to be perfect; I don’t have to always get it right. And that’s OK.
Jenny worked in the compliance section of the local council. Nearly all her customers were upset about something.
‘I really want to live in the I’m OK, You’re OK position. I think a lot about it. I even keep the Quick Reminder Guide close by my computer. Card 6 to there to remind me.’
Jenny had come to realise that changing life positions took time. She needed to be conscious of the messages she gave herself when someone was angry towards her. She took steps to actively change those messages for herself.
Understanding Life Positions:
There are four life positions in this scheme.
I’m OK, You’re OK
I’m not OK, You’re OK
I’m not OK, You’re not OK
I’m OK, You’re not OK
Thomas Harris who developed this ideas in the early 1970s says that we decide which life position we will take up within the first two or three years of life.
Most little children who come from ‘good enough’ homes decide I’m not OK, because I am small, awkward and can’t express myself easily, in relation to my parents, You’re OK, because you are big, articulate, right, loving and you look after me.
The child can change this decision if, when they start to show some independence, about the time they begin to walk, the parents don’t maintain the same level of care and involvement with the child. The child can feel abandoned and neglected. They may decide I’m not OK; You’re not OK because you are not loving me enough.
If the parents treat the child harshly and even abuse the child at this stage the tendency is for the child to decide I’m Ok, You’re not OK.
This decision the child makes is unconscious and will stay with them for the rest of their life. Unless that is, they decided to change.
As a little girl Jenny tried to counteract the not OK feelings by being eager, willing and accommodating to the needs of others. She hoped that she would feel OK by being good. But in the end no matter how much she tried, deep down she felt not OK. This caused her a lot of tension in her life. She kept trying to be good and please people as an adult until she came to understand the concept of I’m OK, You’re OK.
The good news is that when she did make the change she didn’t stop being a nice person. She already had developed many lovely social skills.
The difference now was that she genuinely believed that she was OK and so were her customers. The strain of pretending had disappeared.
There were still times when Jenny found angry customers difficult. But she had a much better way of understanding them and herself.
Over time Jenny will build up more and more experience of OK outcomes. This will help her develop a strong sense of herself as an OK person.
She has plenty of ‘recordings’ of non-OK outcomes. They will never go away, but she can replace them with positive experiences. She needs to believe that changing her behaviour will result in a better life for her eventually.
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