Drama Triangle
Hello
Here is a scenario to look in on.
‘I still don’t get it,‘ said Sophie, as she plonked herself down with her coffee the following afternoon. ‘I mean, every person who comes in here has lots of different things going on for them in their life. Most of them don’t let their problems show in my café – they just get on with life and smile. I ask them how they are and they say ‘Fine thanks. Lovely day isn’t it?’ and that’s that.’
‘Sophie continued, ‘what I mean is that there are people who come in here and nut off – they dump an emotional load in front of me and you are saying I should understand that their whole system causes them to act like this. I should respond to their emotions and then they just walk out while I am left with adrenaline pumping through my body and feeling bad about myself. Give me a break!’
‘It does seem like a lot to take in all at once‘ I said. Imagine what it would be like if you could have people come in and be angry, aggressive, upset or anything else and you could respond to their emotions without feeling put upon yourself.’
‘I can’t quite imagine that,‘ said Sophie
You need to understand the drama triangle.’ I said. I took a paper napkin from the elegant holder it was in, folded it to make a triangle, and wrote on each corner. ’There are three main game positions from which people can ‘discount’ one another’, I continued, ‘the Persecutor, the Victim and the Rescuer. You can enter the game at any point on the triangle.’
‘What are these three positions?’ asked Sophie, ‘how do they work?’
‘The Persecutor puts other people down and belittles them. They say things like ‘You’re all the same’, ‘Who do you think you are?’ or ‘You’re wasting my time.’ They appear blaming, judgemental, and dominant.
The Victim by contrast appears helpless and expects others to either criticise them or help them out. They say ‘It’s not my fault, I tried to fix it’ and they appear submissive and weak.
The Rescuer has a habit of taking over when they are not really needed ‘You’re not coping. Let me take it off your shoulders and I’ll do it myself.’ They might say to the Victim. They can appear patronising.
Key words that identify the three positions.
The Rescuer often says phrases like ‘Don’t feel like that’ and ‘Why don’t you…‘.
The Victim position uses words like ‘Yes, but …..’ When someone says ‘yes, but’ to you it is a sure sign that you are trying to Rescue them.
The Persecutor position often uses phrases like ‘The trouble with you is…‘.
A sneaky little word that is judgemental and critical is ‘WHY’ as in ‘Why aren’t the tables cleaned ‘ or ‘Why do you always wear your hair like that?’ and ‘Why haven’t you cleaned your room’ On the surface it sounds OK but it actually puts the person on the defensive.’
In future posts we will show ways to get out of the drama triangle.
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